Funny Quotes From 'Side Effects' by Woody Allen

# The good people sleep better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

# The night was windy and dark, and Cloquet had a split second to decide if he would risk his life to save a stranger. Unwilling to make such a momentous decision on an empty stomach, he went to a restaurant and dined.

# It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

# Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

# It should be recalled that when we talk of "life" on other planets we are frequently referring to amino acids, which are never very gregarious, even at parties.

# More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

# True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of eighty is left in a room with two eighteen-year-old cocktail waitresses nothing happens.

# Can the human soul be glimpsed through a microscope? Maybe - but you'd definitely need one of those very good ones with two eyepieces.

# We know that the most advanced computer in the world does not have a brain as sophisticated as that of an ant. True, we could say that of many of our relatives but we only have to put up with them at weddings or special occasions.

# True, science has taught us how to pasteurize cheese. And true, this can be fun in mixed company - but what of the H-bomb? Have you ever seen what happens when one of those things falls off a desk accidentally?

# I often think how comforting life must have been for early man because he believed in a powerful, benevolent Creator who looked after all things. Imagine his disappointment when he saw his wife putting on weight.

# He believed everything in existence occurred by pure chance with the possible exception of his breakfast, which he felt certain was made by his housekeeper.

# Unfortunately our politicians are either incompetent or corrupt. Sometimes both on the same day.

# Figures tell us that there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.

# I made a list of my faults, but could not get past : 1) Sometimes forgets his hat.

# Suddenly, and with a clarity one usually associates with LSD, my course of action became apparent.

# "In order to be a writer," Maugham continues, "one must take chances and not be afraid to look foolish. I wrote The Razor's Edge while wearing a paper hat...."

# She possesses a speech impediment so audibly juicy that to be near her when she pronounces a word like "sequestered" is equivalent to standing at the center of a monsoon.

# Connie Chasen and I had taken to each other in a way that would not be denied and one brief hour later were thrashing balletically through the percales, executing with total emotional commitment the absurd choreography of human passion.

# How does anyone ever stay married for forty years? This, it seems, is more of a miracle than the parting of the Red Sea, though my father, in his naiveté, holds the latter to be a greater achievement.